Love-Hate; which do you prefer?

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it?
It makes you so vulnerable, it opens your chest, it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up.

You build up all these defenses. you build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you. 

Then, one stupid person, wanders into your stupid life.
You give them a piece of you, they don't ask for it.
They do something dumb someday, like kiss you or smile at you and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostage. it gets inside of you.
It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts, not just in the imagination, not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real getsinside you and rips you apart pain. I hate love.

Yet again, I was dying to be madly in love.
Admit that, we all hate loneliness. We all want to love and to be love.

Damn, how irony.

Girls' Talk not advisable!

Introducing my new favourite; GREEN TEA LATTE!

I fall in love with my first mouth; & I kept acting like a kid after.
I kept reiterating that I am so blissful because this particular drink just make me feel that way, make my entire day such a lovely one.
There were so many people in Starbucks that day. As good citizens, we do not want to hold up that place, so we decided to head to library after awhile.
Eunice was complaining that Starbucks was really stuffy then; I blamed the weather.

Library was a more conducive environment anyway; we studied at the café. It was not too quiet, nor too noisy, just nice.
Did I mention I couldn’t stay in a too quiet environment for too long? I would never step into the reading room unless I as last resort. It’s like you could hear so clearly when anyone just flip their books. That’s bad, to me.
Anyway, there was this group of girls who were having a really weird conversation at the Starbucks. I didn’t mean to eardrop, but apparently they were talking too loudly that I couldn’t focus on my revision. Damn.
I have no idea why they are holding a meeting there; one of the girls was confused if she had sexual activity with a guy that she likes when she was drunk the other day. Hmm.

Okay, moving on. We went Admiralty Place for dinner. Wanted to head to Marsiling Ba Xian Zai, but they were closed down. I didn’t even know about it, ohwell.

So we headed to Admiralty Place Food Court instead.

Had girls' talk after; something that I really love but I don't encourage it.

If you did realize, girls like to keep recapping the same old damn thing that’s bothering them.
And it’s not like talking things out that is bad, but rather, not finding solutions to it that is unhealthy. Reinforcing these negative thoughts, adding hatred and making ourselves more boiled is the only thing we got in the end usually.
 So, this time we didn’t. We forced ourselves to admit things, and make decisions on things that are bothering us.
 And one thing, I hate it when girls say story about an event, be it another guy or whatsoever, and add their own elements into every single event.
 Though I have to admit I did it at times too. Bleh. hahaha!

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Revenge S2E4: They say that let he who is without sin cast the fire stone. And to be without sin requires absolute forgiveness.
But when your memories are freshly opened as wounds, forgiveness is the most unnatural of all human emotions.

I couldn't agree more to that.
Dearest Nickie must be wondering what exactly happened that destroyed such a big part of me.
When I have decided not to protect that someone anymore, I will come to you.

Yet again, the more anger towards the past you carry in you heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.
If I want to forget someone, and move on, I must give up hating them.
It's hard to forget someone you hate, because hatred takes pieces of your heart - thereby this person stays within your heart.

If you want to forget someone, let go of the hate, and create peace in your heart instead.
It's your road, and yours alone. others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.
Whatever others say are deem useless if you do not want to let it go.
Stop holding on to what hurts, and make room for what feels good. Only I can make that happen.
Noted.
Yes, I do need reminder like this one.

Everyone who is in your life is meant to be a part of that journey, but not all of them are meant to stay.
Never cry for that person who doesn't know the value of your tears.
So just please stop going back to the past.
Dear past, just stop freaking tap on our shoulder and force us to look back.
Someone ever told me that it's useless, because the other party has ale moved on.
Staying at the same spot and crying over whatever has happened would not change anything.
Don't degrade yourself.

Might not be tonight, tomorrow of the next day, but everything's gonna be okay.
Eunice told me that everything's will be fine in the end. If' it is not okay, it is not the end(:

A little note to the girls are out there,
"Don't complain about someone not treating you right. If you know you deserve better, why are you with them?"

Don't bloody hold on to a relationship because he is your first; don't believe in fairytales please.
Don't bloody hold on to a relationship because it has been a long one; it's always an advantage for guys when it comes to this.
Don't bloody hold on to a relationship because you have given them your first; fuck those shits and never do it with them again.
DON't Don't don't become someone else you yourself don't even recognise; that's their ultimate aim - to destroy us.
Don't let them win this game. Yes, I see these as games.
Be who you are, hold on to your values and beliefs.
They are still many beautiful things and people in this world.
Be brave and explore them, find new meanings in life, pursue new dreams, live it to the fullest.

Don't let this little set back fail you.
You are still YOU.
As long as you allow yourself to.

I found my new directions :)

Stumbling back to those days

Dear you,
I wonder how are you doing now?
I see that you found your new love; but I'm still stuck here, missing the old days.
I knew I would regret, but that's the only thing I could do for you then.
In this life, we would never be friends again. I don't believe that love would fade; or perhaps I really like the feeling of me being myself when I am with you.
I wanted to text you, to give you a call, to hug you from behind once more and thank you from the bottom of my heart, for all unforgettable memories. They were beautiful, to love and to be loved.
I knew you held on to your promises till as long as you could, but life needs to move on. Before that killed you.

And then dear you YOU,
I know it's unfair for me to hate you, for that I allowed things to happen, to turn out this ugly.
We said we would still be friends no matter; you asked what happened to this.
I thought I could, but I over-estimated myself.
You know it clearly that I needed time, you said you would wait.
But you rushed into things, and I gave in after awhile.
Then you turn your back on me, shot right through my heart when I was ready.
I should have known, guys were a bastard back then would most likely be one again.

Perhaps my life was too beautiful, and I chose to ignore all the dark sides. I trusted you, I gave you everything that you needed, to prove that I was trying hard enough; you should know better, you should have felt it.
I have decided to forgive you, though anger may come gusting back in no time. I would forgive, but I would never forget. I know I need to learn from my mistakes, and not to regret.
It's so so tough though; values that I hold so dearly to me were being destroyed.
Sometimes I wonder how long can I hold on for.

Do I really have to change that way?
I have been blamed, for being too selfless, for being too gullible, for being too innocent, for being too optimistic. Am I really one? I don't think so, not at all. I'm just really selfish and only chose to believe in all the happy-ending.
I don't know what I can do to make myself at least feel better.
I'm so tired .. I wish there's someone out there who knows.
I dont want to cry myself to sleep. I don't want to be a weak. I don't want to be a loser who just keep on ranting. But I need a place to let it all out.
I need it, so badly. A place where I would not be judge, excluding myself.

People asked why I no longer like slow melancholy love songs; I just don't want to read into the lyrics anymore, to wallow in self-pity, to beat myself up after.

I know there are so much things in life that I can look forward to, so much more that I can do.
I know I can't go back and undo things.
But dear past, can you please please please stop tapping on my shoulder?
I dont want to look back; this internal struggle is really killing me. Before I recovered from the first nightmare, the second one came haunting me.

Courage, I need you. To face all these mistakes. To embrace life once more.
I know I won't go into any relationship anymore, not any time soon at least. I hate the me I am now.
Can one day it really happened that all were just a nightmare?

Apology VS Ego

Apology doesn't mean that you were wrong, or the other party was right.
It just means that your relationship is more valuable than your ego.

Dear readers,
How many times we allowed a relationship to be ruined in our hands because we couldn't utter the three words I am sorry?
We gave ourselves a myriad of excuses like maybe I would make things worst if I were to approach the other party, or I cannot give in all the time otherwise I would be lowering myself to the point that the other party will take me for granted, or worst still, finding fault in the other party.
Have you actually think how shallow you were?
How BIG your ego was and you allowed such a beautiful relationship just slipped because it was a fact that you could not swallow your pride.

Of course I have make mistakes like this, ample times in fact.
I need a reminder like this one.
Just saying, I know how tough it can be at times.