Saturday, 3 November 2012

Stumbling back to those days

Dear you,
I wonder how are you doing now?
I see that you found your new love; but I'm still stuck here, missing the old days.
I knew I would regret, but that's the only thing I could do for you then.
In this life, we would never be friends again. I don't believe that love would fade; or perhaps I really like the feeling of me being myself when I am with you.
I wanted to text you, to give you a call, to hug you from behind once more and thank you from the bottom of my heart, for all unforgettable memories. They were beautiful, to love and to be loved.
I knew you held on to your promises till as long as you could, but life needs to move on. Before that killed you.

And then dear you YOU,
I know it's unfair for me to hate you, for that I allowed things to happen, to turn out this ugly.
We said we would still be friends no matter; you asked what happened to this.
I thought I could, but I over-estimated myself.
You know it clearly that I needed time, you said you would wait.
But you rushed into things, and I gave in after awhile.
Then you turn your back on me, shot right through my heart when I was ready.
I should have known, guys were a bastard back then would most likely be one again.

Perhaps my life was too beautiful, and I chose to ignore all the dark sides. I trusted you, I gave you everything that you needed, to prove that I was trying hard enough; you should know better, you should have felt it.
I have decided to forgive you, though anger may come gusting back in no time. I would forgive, but I would never forget. I know I need to learn from my mistakes, and not to regret.
It's so so tough though; values that I hold so dearly to me were being destroyed.
Sometimes I wonder how long can I hold on for.

Do I really have to change that way?
I have been blamed, for being too selfless, for being too gullible, for being too innocent, for being too optimistic. Am I really one? I don't think so, not at all. I'm just really selfish and only chose to believe in all the happy-ending.
I don't know what I can do to make myself at least feel better.
I'm so tired .. I wish there's someone out there who knows.
I dont want to cry myself to sleep. I don't want to be a weak. I don't want to be a loser who just keep on ranting. But I need a place to let it all out.
I need it, so badly. A place where I would not be judge, excluding myself.

People asked why I no longer like slow melancholy love songs; I just don't want to read into the lyrics anymore, to wallow in self-pity, to beat myself up after.

I know there are so much things in life that I can look forward to, so much more that I can do.
I know I can't go back and undo things.
But dear past, can you please please please stop tapping on my shoulder?
I dont want to look back; this internal struggle is really killing me. Before I recovered from the first nightmare, the second one came haunting me.

Courage, I need you. To face all these mistakes. To embrace life once more.
I know I won't go into any relationship anymore, not any time soon at least. I hate the me I am now.
Can one day it really happened that all were just a nightmare?

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