Friday, 30 November 2012

Time to grow, grow up!

If I were ever given a chance to live my life again, I would be in such dilemma.
I know I have said a lot of times that I regretted many things that I have did, that I would want to make it better so damn badly.
Yet again, if my life were to start all over again, would I be so mentally strong and overcome all the impossible that I once encountered?

Without going through certain things, we would never grow.
Just like the illustration that when others warned you about how much you should protect yourself from the outside world, advices just couldn't seep into our damn thick skull.
Physicalism doesn't hold all the time doesn't it? I might have all the theories on the negative consequences of indulging in certain acts, but when I really experience it, I would then really learn how painful it is. #Afterphiloeffect~
I know it doesn't really apply here, but I just wanted to sound sophisticated. *bleah~
Diverge slightly here, the philosophy paper I sat for just now was really hard.
Everyone's had different answers and it is really scary. I don't wish to fail, I need my GPA to be above 3.5 please.
Showed Jon & Nickie the paper after. And the typical comment that one would give for philo, "Mind-fucked".
To think that I'm still contemplating if I should minor in philosophy, really sound like a joke.

Pulling back, have you ever wanted to view yourself from other people's point of view?
I bet many did so, at least a few times. We have said so many times, that only we can ultimately judge ourselves. Yet, how many of us could actually overcome that?
In NUS, particularly in FASS, we have to learn to speak up during tutorials.
I was so afraid initially; I lost count of the times I wanted to skip lessons because I felt so uncomfortable.
I was so afraid of being laughed at, I felt so shallow.
And so, I suffered a lot. I will make the next semester a better one. I have have to step out of my own comfort zone. Before this one thing really kill me; I have got to face this in the outside world too. It is a reality that if I don't learn to speak up for myself when I'm out there, I would be crushed. I will never make it big, I will never make it to where I wanna be.

Jon was at Starbucks coincidentally; he gave me a free tall Caramel Hot Chocolate Drink.
And dearest Nickie was so sweet she bought food for me because she doesn't want me to starve. Love her so so much!

I guess I have a myriad of things to do, to reflect upon after my papers. Now I just have to focus for this one last paper :)

Wednesday, 28 November 2012


Pen this down at 3am last night.

我为何会犯规? 不是说好了吗?
后知后觉才领悟, 只是已陷得太深了。

我为何会犯规? 现在退一步还来得及吗?
我为何会犯规? 爱上不该爱的该怎么办?

Then words came in, music flow. It's so messed up it doesn't even make much sense.
The only product when the writer is confused herself.
Edited to make it sound like one. A broken pieces that pierce through hearts.
It's like you are thinking about her and I'm thinking about you.

It doesn't apply yet it feels like so. Completed my piece without the full melody.
I might have created chords that do not even exist.
And yet so, we find lyrics that best describe our feelings to be conveyed.

When I can't find that one that really do, I write them instead.
I have a good feeling about this; edited version will not be shared.
Only for my dearests.

Much love, please be safe.
Till I see you again, I miss you so dearly.

Met Aaron before he flew off. I know it's just 21 days.
Blame it on Yan Shen, said that we would meet after exams.
Yet, the next thing he's not returning. Damn.
Shouldn't have made such assumptions that we would definitely have time for our dearests when we are free.
Things don't always go the way you want it to.
Lesson learnt: Stop with whatever you are busy with; turn and show concern for your loved ones. Before it's too late.

Shall end it with a lighter note, I have completed three papers.
So another three to go; one on a Thursday Evening and another on a Friday morning. #Badtimetable.

I can smell the sweetness of holiday approaching I can't wait.

Sunday, 25 November 2012

Remember, true love doesn't hurt. Only wrong love do.

It's amazing how one day someone walks into your life, then the next day you wonder how will you live without them.
Once upon a time, I thought I don't need any part-timer people in my life. You are either with me till the end or you are not. You can't just come and go as you please, because I hate it when I became reliant on you and then the next moment you were gone.
I thought the only reason that relationships end hastily is precisely because people stop putting in the same effort they tried to keep you as they did to win you.
Then things happened. When I finally realized that we don't meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our path for a reason, or even reasons. Maybe when we are hurt we can't comprehend why god make such an arrangement. Maybe it's beyond our wisdom to even, in a long time.
Notwithstanding, I don't want to change the things I believe in. People told me that I should grow up, that I shouldn't trust that easily - but isn't humans innately good by nature? Albeit like Hsun Tsu, most agree that rather, we are innately bad and selfish, that we are governed by our instincts to survive and protect ourselves. True that, but not all the time! I want to hold on go this belief, my belief, even though I might have met the worst.

"When you love someone don't expect them to love you as much as you do; instead, love them so much that they for want to be loved by anyone else except you."

Having my favorite green tea latte at Starbucks.
It's rather empty here today.
Staring outside, it's a Sunday night.
Listening to Wilber's 我们都怕痛 repeatedly.
Indulge in deep thinking, on a night like this.

Monday, 19 November 2012

Pursing the real meaning of learning:)

Finals being an ass right now. There seems so much to cover, way beyond what I could handle.
Yes, I always start to wonder why do I hate school when it comes to exams. Like they never failed to make me feel that way.
But then I realized, it’s all in me. I have to stop thinking that way. Oh yes, I felt that I failed when I got that sort of A Level results.

不是得到, 而是学到
乐趣 所以真正学到
如果我们淡薄一些 我们的世界就会更美丽 

Then again, this is not the main reason I’m here right? I’m here to learn. Exams will only push me harder and forces me to learn more.
So keep fighting Pecky; I know you will be proud of yourself at the end of the it. Whatever the results may be, it's all in your mind.

So, I have got to be disciplined for once.
Till then.

Girls' Talk not advisable!

Introducing my new favourite; GREEN TEA LATTE!
I fall in love with my first mouth; & I kept acting like a kid after.
I kept reiterating that I am so blissful because this particular drink just make me feel that way, make my entire day such a lovely one.
There were so many people in Starbucks that day. As good citizens, we do not want to hold up that place, so we decided to head to library after awhile.
Eunice was complaining that Starbucks was really stuffy then; I blamed the weather.

Library was a more conducive environment anyway; we studied at the café. It was not too quiet, nor too noisy, just nice.
Did I mention I couldn’t stay in a too quiet environment for too long? I would never step into the reading room unless I as last resort. It’s like you could hear so clearly when anyone just flip their books. That’s bad, to me.
Anyway, there was this group of girls who were having a really weird conversation at the Starbucks. I didn’t mean to eardrop, but apparently they were talking too loudly that I couldn’t focus on my revision. Damn.
I have no idea why they are holding a meeting there; one of the girls was confused if she had sexual activity with a guy that she likes when she was drunk the other day. Hmm.

Okay, moving on. We went Admiralty Place for dinner. Wanted to head to Marsiling Ba Xian Zai, but they were closed down. I didn’t even know about it, ohwell.

So we headed to Admiralty Place Food Court instead.

Had girls' talk after; something that I really love but I don't encourage it.

If you did realize, girls like to keep recapping the same old damn thing that’s bothering them.
And it’s not like talking things out that is bad, but rather, not finding solutions to it that is unhealthy. Reinforcing these negative thoughts, adding hatred and making ourselves more boiled is the only thing we got in the end usually.
 So, this time we didn’t. We forced ourselves to admit things, and make decisions on things that are bothering us.
 And one thing, I hate it when girls say story about an event, be it another guy or whatsoever, and add their own elements into every single event.
 Though I have to admit I did it at times too. Bleh. hahaha!

Friday, 16 November 2012

They gave me the questions which i don't know; so i wrote answers which they don't know.

A week ago felt so recent, yet things differ critically. 
Maybe not to anyone else, but just myself.

Perhaps I have been reading to much into words; perhaps I have been over-sensitive; perhaps I am confused myself; perhaps I was just seeking for something comforting; perhaps I was drained; perhaps I am living in deception; perhaps I am in a Matrix World, and someone decided to do some alteration to my world - after effect from too many Philosophy readings. #MatrixWorldpleasedontexist!
Okay, to think that I'm still in the mood to joke conceivably suggests I don't feel so bad from within. Must be my monthly friend's visit, making me more emotional than usual. LOL

I was just speculating, because they are stuck in my head I can't seem to contemplate.

Would things change one bit if I reacted differently? Would I ever have an answer to all my uncertainties?

Dear Finals please come and go soon...
I need a break from you, not to mention that I have yet to study diligently.
I have great plans ahead, so give me my vacation soon!

Hort Park Visit Singapore

Headed to Hort Park last Sunday for December Outdoor Activity with BXB.
Location: 33 Hyderabad Road, Off Alexandra Road, Singapore 119578 

It's my first time being there, and I was particually attracted to the Butterfly little Hut. It has been centuries since I last saw so many butterflies, with vibrant coloured wings. How fascinating!

I find these little bottled plants exceptionally cute. Round round stuff just draw my attention:)

I like the place quite a lot.
Many places are under construction and upgrading currently.
Also, they have a roof top. I always love roof top; they always have the romantic feel, especially at night. Okay, I'm thinking too much perhaps. #Koreandramaeffect

If you are a park lover, I guess you cannot miss this out.
Albeit it is not an awesomely big place, it is a big enough space for one to enjoy their happy weekends in.
it is definitely a great place to chill out with families, for recreational activities, and not forgetting learning&education.

Oh, do check out their website
They have many workshops for kids to learn and explore.
Of course, if you did like to get in touch with nature, they do have something for volunteers too!

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Sem 1 Coming to an End!

Oh my, semester one's coming to an end! How fast!
 I could still remember clearly how excited I was for the first lecture, along with Xing Jun.
Yup, I sticked to her ever since :)

Then we will always treat ourselves to good food when we are having Monday Blues or get the TGIF mood!
Managed to meet LahLah for an ice cream date a week or so ago! And I was so happy that day because  she finally admitted to me how much she loves her boy. Awww!

And after decades, I managed to meet this boy. Yes KKH, after mia from me for so so long!
Good chat up session plus his treat, YAY. (Because he was late :O)

Dragged myself out to study on a weekend with Eunice; a fruitful one! Decided to get a Starbucks card too, so pretty with a Christmas Tree. Gonna study with her again this Saturday! :D

My fellow World Religion Mates. They are cool people, smart and nice! :D

Not forgetting my beloved Social Work team! 

Worked hard together and we achieved a B+ for our project. So so proud of them, of us! :D Shall meet up soon beauties!

Semester 1 has been a delight for me; I have all the nicest people and of course, keeping in contact with my loved ones.
Although daddy's health have yet to improve much, plus all the papers for FASS are driving me crazy (not to mention I'm one in the first place ald); I'm glad I have pulled through Sem1.

I love sem one because of all these awesome people. :D
Days ahead, please be as good!

Heading out to study with Nickie, before a movie to reward myself tonight.
With Jia Min :)

Will be back soon with movies review - including "Ah Boys to Men", watched it with Joshua on Monday.
& to end off,


Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Revenge S2E4: They say that let he who is without sin cast the fire stone. And to be without sin requires absolute forgiveness.
But when your memories are freshly opened as wounds, forgiveness is the most unnatural of all human emotions.

I couldn't agree more to that.
Dearest Nickie must be wondering what exactly happened that destroyed such a big part of me.
When I have decided not to protect that someone anymore, I will come to you.

Yet again, the more anger towards the past you carry in you heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.
If I want to forget someone, and move on, I must give up hating them.
It's hard to forget someone you hate, because hatred takes pieces of your heart - thereby this person stays within your heart.

If you want to forget someone, let go of the hate, and create peace in your heart instead.
It's your road, and yours alone. others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.
Whatever others say are deem useless if you do not want to let it go.
Stop holding on to what hurts, and make room for what feels good. Only I can make that happen.
Yes, I do need reminder like this one.

Everyone who is in your life is meant to be a part of that journey, but not all of them are meant to stay.
Never cry for that person who doesn't know the value of your tears.
So just please stop going back to the past.
Dear past, just stop freaking tap on our shoulder and force us to look back.
Someone ever told me that it's useless, because the other party has ale moved on.
Staying at the same spot and crying over whatever has happened would not change anything.
Don't degrade yourself.

Might not be tonight, tomorrow of the next day, but everything's gonna be okay.
Eunice told me that everything's will be fine in the end. If' it is not okay, it is not the end(:

A little note to the girls are out there,
"Don't complain about someone not treating you right. If you know you deserve better, why are you with them?"

Don't bloody hold on to a relationship because he is your first; don't believe in fairytales please.
Don't bloody hold on to a relationship because it has been a long one; it's always an advantage for guys when it comes to this.
Don't bloody hold on to a relationship because you have given them your first; fuck those shits and never do it with them again.
DON't Don't don't become someone else you yourself don't even recognise; that's their ultimate aim - to destroy us.
Don't let them win this game. Yes, I see these as games.
Be who you are, hold on to your values and beliefs.
They are still many beautiful things and people in this world.
Be brave and explore them, find new meanings in life, pursue new dreams, live it to the fullest.

Don't let this little set back fail you.
You are still YOU.
As long as you allow yourself to.

I found my new directions :)

Saturday, 10 November 2012

Happy 10-11-12 :D

Decided to spend this special date fruitfully - study day!

Headed to Woodlands Regional Library and was surprised to find a couple of seats. Perhaps it's because the O level students have completed their papers. Yay!
Joshua Oh was sleeping like idk what when he was the one who initiated this study session. Tsk.

Shall share what some interesting things I've learnt today:

1. The three faces of Eve: Eve white was the original dominant personality - bland, quiet, and serious. She had knowledge of her second personality, Eve Black - mischievous, uninhibited. Eve black would emerge at the most inappropriate times, leaving Eve White with hangovers, bills, etc.
This is the interesting part. During treatment, a third personality, Jane, emerged - more mature than the other two. She has developed as a result of therapy. But too, others criticized therapy has worsened dissociative identity disorder (DID), creating more identities, alternate identities. Hmm.

2. DID is usually a social construction! Rather than being a single person with many conflicting feelings etc, the individual compartmentalizes different aspects if the self into independent identities. People adopt this to make sense of their experiences.

Okay shall not bore you with these stuff - psychology ~

Went for a TeaBreak after.
I'm supposed to have a healthy meal - given that I've been sleeping at weird timing these days (biological clock is screwed) - like the bowl of fruits, or strawberries!

Butttttttt. I had craving for Chessecake, and so. Oops. Plus Longan Punch!
Plus J gave me snickers after. #guilty.
Thanks for the treat btw! :D

Was struggling if I should go for a jog with J, but it was too late. Maybe tmr morning? See what time I'm in bed tonight I guess! :)

Friday, 9 November 2012


我们擦身而过风卷起了沉睡的什么情绪在怂恿 撑开了懵懂有一种冲动
眼睁睁看爱 就这样过吗
至少我和你 可以说说话  证明刚刚发生过什么

用表白 换一份期待能不能就少一点忐忑 无奈心还 绕着你徘徊难道 真是爱
泪水流过 才明白爱不爱 原来心里早已 存在
幸福 不在千里外让我勇敢 表达爱

Right or wrong; don't rush into things.
Because all the time, I'm always wrong - when it comes to this like love.

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Only through love and friendship, can we create the illusion for the moment we are not alone

Dear friend, you asked me if i ever felt this moment when I don't feel like saying anything at all.

Yes, I did. I have ever get these times too. When I don't want to talk to anybody, don’t want to smile and don’t want to pretend to be happy. But at the same time I don’t know exactly what’s wrong either. There isn’t a way to explain it to someone who doesn’t already understand. If I could want anything in the world, then it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being alone never was. At least when I am alone no one will constantly ask me what is wrong and there isn’t anyone who won’t take ‘I don’t know’ for an answer. I felt the way you are right now, hoping the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again. Albeit until then, all you can do is wait.

It's okay to feel down at times. We all know there are full of ups and downs in life.
Maybe we do know the reason or reasons deep down, but we chose to run away from them.
Maybe we just don't want to inflict more pain on ourselves, maybe we just aren't brave enough to face whatever that is haunting us.
But to your second question, no. HELL NO.
I dont think you should feel that way at all. I guess you just want to be alone.
Nobody is pretending to care when they aren't deep down. They do my dear, they care genuinely for you. They are concerned about your well-being, they are concerned about your happiness!

I know that feeling will go away soon.
Maybe you are facing tremendous pressure right now and you just want to run away from it.
I'm just guessing. I mean, only you know the reason deep down.
And dear friend, you are an awesome person. I salute you for holding on to so many responsibilities even when you aren't oblige to.
Just remember, we only live this life once. Live it the way you want it to be, not the way others put their expectations on you.

You are in my prayer; I hope to see you throwing all these negativities away real soon.
Felt like giving you a hug now. :( *hugggggg
Please be okay.

Embrace life once again my dear!

Saturday, 3 November 2012

Stumbling back to those days

Dear you,
I wonder how are you doing now?
I see that you found your new love; but I'm still stuck here, missing the old days.
I knew I would regret, but that's the only thing I could do for you then.
In this life, we would never be friends again. I don't believe that love would fade; or perhaps I really like the feeling of me being myself when I am with you.
I wanted to text you, to give you a call, to hug you from behind once more and thank you from the bottom of my heart, for all unforgettable memories. They were beautiful, to love and to be loved.
I knew you held on to your promises till as long as you could, but life needs to move on. Before that killed you.

And then dear you YOU,
I know it's unfair for me to hate you, for that I allowed things to happen, to turn out this ugly.
We said we would still be friends no matter; you asked what happened to this.
I thought I could, but I over-estimated myself.
You know it clearly that I needed time, you said you would wait.
But you rushed into things, and I gave in after awhile.
Then you turn your back on me, shot right through my heart when I was ready.
I should have known, guys were a bastard back then would most likely be one again.

Perhaps my life was too beautiful, and I chose to ignore all the dark sides. I trusted you, I gave you everything that you needed, to prove that I was trying hard enough; you should know better, you should have felt it.
I have decided to forgive you, though anger may come gusting back in no time. I would forgive, but I would never forget. I know I need to learn from my mistakes, and not to regret.
It's so so tough though; values that I hold so dearly to me were being destroyed.
Sometimes I wonder how long can I hold on for.

Do I really have to change that way?
I have been blamed, for being too selfless, for being too gullible, for being too innocent, for being too optimistic. Am I really one? I don't think so, not at all. I'm just really selfish and only chose to believe in all the happy-ending.
I don't know what I can do to make myself at least feel better.
I'm so tired .. I wish there's someone out there who knows.
I dont want to cry myself to sleep. I don't want to be a weak. I don't want to be a loser who just keep on ranting. But I need a place to let it all out.
I need it, so badly. A place where I would not be judge, excluding myself.

People asked why I no longer like slow melancholy love songs; I just don't want to read into the lyrics anymore, to wallow in self-pity, to beat myself up after.

I know there are so much things in life that I can look forward to, so much more that I can do.
I know I can't go back and undo things.
But dear past, can you please please please stop tapping on my shoulder?
I dont want to look back; this internal struggle is really killing me. Before I recovered from the first nightmare, the second one came haunting me.

Courage, I need you. To face all these mistakes. To embrace life once more.
I know I won't go into any relationship anymore, not any time soon at least. I hate the me I am now.
Can one day it really happened that all were just a nightmare?

Thursday, 1 November 2012

Happy Halloween 2012

Happy Halloween People.!

I have never actually celebrated this event before for the past 18 years of my life. NEVER.
& this year, with the head start of USS Halloween 2012, I start to wonder why people celebrate this special event.
As usual, google - our best friend.
Here is what I have found out:
Halloween is celebrated on the evening of October 31st, which is the evening before the Christian feast of All Saint's Day.
Villagers would try to appease goblins and demons with offerings of food and nuts. They would leave little treats that the household had to offer, to satisfy the hunger of these demons. If the demon was satisfied with the treat, it was believed it would not trick the person or cast an evil spell. Therein lies the origin of the present day trick or treat.
Legend has it that people would also wear masks or other disguises and blacken their faces to try and pass unnoticed by the spirits. This stemmed from the belief that ghosts or spirits cannot see their own reflection. Hence, if a goblin or demon saw another creature looking suitably horrible, they would run away in terror. 
Credits: Pitara Kids Network

In school, after Social Work lecture, there's this girl who dressed up as a demon and stood by the door. So went our class ended, and people start walking out of the hall, we heard screammmms! So adorable!
Went forward to take pictures before her other demon and bloody friends came to join in!

Daddy woke me up and told me people are celebrating Halloween next to the Woodgrove.
The stretch of Terrace House: Woodlands St 31

Basically, most of them would open their houses. One just has to bring a bag along and walk in to collect candies!
It's pretty cool, all their houses were nicely decorated, put on their make up and welcomed us!
Enjoyed myself, below are some pictures I've taken.

Did not manage to take a picture with her kid. They were dressed as clowns, and when he gave me his biggest smile he could, I almost melted. ~

Can you spot a kid here? He's so naughty! He scare me and I went like "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!" & he wanted to shoot me. Cuteness to the max.

Saw a family who dressed up with the "walking dead" theme. *salute to their dad who walked bare footed, dragged his foot, and didn't stop growling!

Looking forward to the next Halloween! Putting aside how much I detest haunted houses and bloody scenes, I enjoyed myself alot this year :D

Introducing my Daddy! :D Super Duper Cute! :D

Straightened my hair!

Yup, I straightened my hair 2 days ago - not that I'm super rich and change my hairstyle like I'm some superstar. I couldn't maintain and manage my permed hair; not to mention it was not nicely done in the first place. Regretted much.
So I went to the salon where I always have my haircut. She managed to salvage my hair!

Woodlands St 32
BLK 325 #01-141

She applied the cream twice; straightened it TWICE (Btw if you know me you should know how thick my hair is); treatment and a final hair cut!
It cost me $165 :) A pretty reasonable price - given my hair length, condition (it was so so screwed up!), and volume!

The lady is very kind and friendly. She's working alone though, so I'd recommend one to make appointment in advance.

I like my hair now :)