Saturday, 2 February 2013

I didn't change; you just never knew me.

I wasn't really feeling too good when that feeling of emptiness overpowers me.
I have no idea if it was you.
You know, it's so common for teenagers to have these feelings overpowering them. I read it somewhere before.
Teenagers like to compare their life with others, and often felt that they were a 'loner' - either they don't know where they are heading, they have no directions, their life weren't as happening, or that they have less friends, or they don't have as many people loving and adoring them, whatever.

I felt like breaking down for that moment. But I held back.
I felt lost, so so lost.
For that moment, I questioned myself many things. And it just got worst.
Am glad there were people talking about random stuff to pull my mind off these horrible feelings.

I know how scary this blog title sounded.
It is as if I were being accused by someone I least expected.

Hey no, that was just a random line that cross my mind.
I'm stepping into the 20th world in a matter of 2 weeks time.
How much have I grown? How much have I changed?

Yes, in terms of knowledge and wisdom I guess I could say proudly I definitely have gained a lot more; given that I have went through much, especially these two years.

And so, how should I lead my next 20 years, to make it a better one, for myself, my my family, for my friends, for my loved ones?

I have a dream; a dream I never once admitted to any.
It sounded too far away from me that I don't dare to think about it any longer.
Yet recently, it has been calling out for me, louder and louder.
I'm afraid, still.

These 2 Cs are the one I have been dying for.

Frankly, I have much more now, compared to the me say in lower Secondary.
Still, I don't think I have an adequate amount of them.
I doubt myself in a myriad of things that I do, even when I was told otherwise.
I doubt my own capabilities, my judgment, many times still.

But one thing I'm certain now at least, (I have shared this with my new friend Sing Ping in one of the Social Work Tutorial) I cannot lock myself out in search of answers.
Maybe it might work, but it will take a longer time.

I have got to get out and meet new people, gain new perspectives, allow myself to see through their eyes, a different world.

Only then perhaps  I will find the answer to what's life, how should I lead mine.

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